Let me begin with a personal story, which is a collaboration of the two characters involved...
| I have someone in my life who is very near and dear to me. I have noticed that when we sit over tea and chat, there is something that comes over this individual. | 
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This person becomes quiet, withdrawn and numb. There is no emotional availability in the moment no matter what I do or say, or not. This creates stress for me and I begin to take this personally. I start thinking that this is caused by something I have done or said and I begin to question myself. I become fearful of any further involvement and it feels like I am about to walk on eggshells. I know that in the moment I need to get far away from this experience. I feel unsafe. I do not know what this person may do next, if anything. I want to go into full on protective mode whatever that may entail.
It is not a new feeling. I have seen it before in my training and life experiences. I want to help and to understand what is taking place yet I feel torn inside by my need to get away.
I know I am not alone with this feeling, nor is this individual. I have chosen to share with this person rather than walk away or ignore the situation.
It turns out that they are unaware themselves what comes over them. Through talking with them, it has become apparent that I am aware of the change in behavior way before this person is.
It is not a new feeling. I have seen it before in my training and life experiences. I want to help and to understand what is taking place yet I feel torn inside by my need to get away.
I know I am not alone with this feeling, nor is this individual. I have chosen to share with this person rather than walk away or ignore the situation.
It turns out that they are unaware themselves what comes over them. Through talking with them, it has become apparent that I am aware of the change in behavior way before this person is.
I have learned through my extensive training that I can look at this person's eyes and see that they are under stress. There are three stages of stress. Each stage of stress corresponds with a different physical appearance of the eyes. To explain further, I can see what stage of stress they are in, whether it is from an immediate issue or from a long term, unresolved issue.
In my relationship with this person I have used this knowledge. When I look at their eyes and see more white than usual, I know that they are withdrawing due to some issue-this issue could be a feeling, a thought, an event or a memory. When I've brought it up with them, they are unaware that their behavior is changing and that this change is affecting me.
In my relationship with this person I have used this knowledge. When I look at their eyes and see more white than usual, I know that they are withdrawing due to some issue-this issue could be a feeling, a thought, an event or a memory. When I've brought it up with them, they are unaware that their behavior is changing and that this change is affecting me.
However, when I've called upon my knowledge that this person is under some form of stress by looking at their eyes, I have been able to bring it to their attention. It certainly causes some tension when I address their change in both physical appearance and behavior.
This person has shared with me that they feel vulnerable and embarrassed because they are unaware of what is happening to them. They feel angry and frustrated that they are unable to control the changes in the moment and that they don't know how to do it differently...whatever 'it' is.
This has been happening in our relationship for many years. When I first attempted to bring it up, I was met with resistance and got a lot of their anger directed at me. However, through time (a lot of time), this person has allowed themselves to open up to me. They are currently willing to listen to me when I bring 'it' to their attention. Although there is still initial resistance from this person (and I can tell that they go through an internal processing of emotions), they will take a pause and look at what might be going on for them.
This person has shared with me that they feel vulnerable and embarrassed because they are unaware of what is happening to them. They feel angry and frustrated that they are unable to control the changes in the moment and that they don't know how to do it differently...whatever 'it' is.
This has been happening in our relationship for many years. When I first attempted to bring it up, I was met with resistance and got a lot of their anger directed at me. However, through time (a lot of time), this person has allowed themselves to open up to me. They are currently willing to listen to me when I bring 'it' to their attention. Although there is still initial resistance from this person (and I can tell that they go through an internal processing of emotions), they will take a pause and look at what might be going on for them.
In the past when this person would externalize their frustration and anger, they thought that 'it' was about me, that I had in fact done something that wasn't okay with them. As we talked through it over the years (again and again), this person realized that 'it' wasn't so much about me.
They recognized that they blamed me for their feelings of anger and frustration-they thought that these feelings were caused by me. The reality was that the feelings were triggered by the issue and I was simply pointing out that there was an issue. It had been a case of 'shooting the messenger', while resisting the gift.
Both of us have had thoughts of "Oh no...not this again. How do I get through this? And, what is this? WTF??"
They recognized that they blamed me for their feelings of anger and frustration-they thought that these feelings were caused by me. The reality was that the feelings were triggered by the issue and I was simply pointing out that there was an issue. It had been a case of 'shooting the messenger', while resisting the gift.
Both of us have had thoughts of "Oh no...not this again. How do I get through this? And, what is this? WTF??"
The good (great!) news is that we are no longer in that place. The person listens when I tell them "you have whites under your eyes, please take time to look at the issue that is up for you".
This gives the person permission to take space for themselves and delve into what the heck is happening for them in the moment, which is causing such ripple effects outwards to others (me in this case). Often, it can involve us taking a time out from each other. This person has been known to go for walks alone to think or feel it out. Sometimes, they will journal (for various amounts of time). These moments might be followed up by an emotional release (this process has involved much crying, not a bad thing!).
Essentially, this knowledge followed by space allows the person to get in touch with themselves...and honor what the issue is that is causing stress.
After these moments of taking the space and time that we both need, it turns out that something has happened...this person's issue, their 'it' has been resolved. I no longer feel on guard or responsible for their problem nor their solution.
This gives the person permission to take space for themselves and delve into what the heck is happening for them in the moment, which is causing such ripple effects outwards to others (me in this case). Often, it can involve us taking a time out from each other. This person has been known to go for walks alone to think or feel it out. Sometimes, they will journal (for various amounts of time). These moments might be followed up by an emotional release (this process has involved much crying, not a bad thing!).
Essentially, this knowledge followed by space allows the person to get in touch with themselves...and honor what the issue is that is causing stress.
After these moments of taking the space and time that we both need, it turns out that something has happened...this person's issue, their 'it' has been resolved. I no longer feel on guard or responsible for their problem nor their solution.
We re-connect. The space has actually created an intimacy between the two of us... this has certainly involved time, effort and patience (tied in with some impatience too). We have both learned to respect this process. Neither of us enjoy when these experiences come up because they are uncomfortable!! We have also learned that to go through them brings us closer together. Cheesy? Maybe. But so true.
Now, we can (somewhat) laugh at these moments as they happen and say "Okay, another uncomfortable and miserable moment for us...you go do your thing and I'll do mine. See you later when we're through this." And so, we go work 'it' through in our own ways... which might be crying, journaling, walking, prayer, mediation, talking it out with someone else, throwing rocks...whatever. This process resolves an issue that has not been resolved in the past for this individual. Ultimately, these are experiences that come up for healing. The two of us, as well as our relationship, are much better for taking the risks involved in working through these experiences!
Now, we can (somewhat) laugh at these moments as they happen and say "Okay, another uncomfortable and miserable moment for us...you go do your thing and I'll do mine. See you later when we're through this." And so, we go work 'it' through in our own ways... which might be crying, journaling, walking, prayer, mediation, talking it out with someone else, throwing rocks...whatever. This process resolves an issue that has not been resolved in the past for this individual. Ultimately, these are experiences that come up for healing. The two of us, as well as our relationship, are much better for taking the risks involved in working through these experiences!
What's here for me to learn about myself
and others that isn't immediately apparent?
and others that isn't immediately apparent?
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